I cant believe its been so long since I posted here but have moved house and been unpacking so have not missed the months spilling by.

I have decided to write about how much I am enjoying being submissive and the freedom and confidence its giving me.

As you would hope things have progressed beyond the last entry we still meet but the balance of power has changed, I am in control still submissive but everything on my terms and my territory. I feel alive and free everyday, the power in me has been awaken and I can accomplish so much more. Knowing that when I need to I can sacrifice my whole being to him and let him take charge, this only happens in the bedroom and never crosses into daily life but at the moment its enough.

I have also started a fantasy blog to try out different things that I want to try but almost have a walk through of them so will keep you updated with the progression of that.

Till next time

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I have been feeling guilty about what I need from him. I want him to spank me, to use me as his and want to be punished for not doing as I am told, I have to admit that sometimes I deliberately disobey him to get him to punish me.

But I feel guilty for wanting this and even worse for enjoying it. Its a struggle with my everyday life and the image of who I am. To help me deal with it I have started a collection of music that reflects my secret life it links my lives together and calms me.

The flip side is that I am driven again I can face life and deal with things I feel strong and free again.

 

I have been following a few blogs and this piece reflects how I feel perfectly.

http://adauntlessjourney.blogspot.co.uk/2012/07/fear-of.html

Thank you

I am submissive; that does not mean I am not strong or that I cannot speak for myself. It does not mean that I have poor self-esteem. It does not mean that I wish to be slapped in the face, on the breasts or between my legs. I don’t want to be spit on or urinated on. I want to be treasured. I want to be beautiful in your eyes. That does not mean I don’t like it rough sometimes and don’t doubt you will hear me scream your name. I am hungry for you. It’s just that I want to be there for you when you are down and there when you are happy. I want to make your sexual fantasies a reality. I want you to be able to look in my eyes and know that I am yours.

I am submissive, yes, and soft in all the right ways. Love me, cherish me and give me your heart; I will guard it with my life.

So not like all men he has called and talked me round these feelings this is normal just a subdrop, new word, that helps make me calmer. Somehow knowing that I will be cared for in the future now I know what I want. All the lusting after older men makes sense but they were just a fantasy just a whisper of what I needed before I was even aware of that need.

Only draw back is I can’t make a decision for myself I know I should and I have to but I want guidance I want to be told its OK. Two weeks ago I would have thought myself weak and pathetic but its a comfort now.

He teases me that he has awakened a dark side in me but it can’t be dark if I find it familiar.He lets me talk about it with him, and I tell him how it excites me that I want to please him. He’s planning what to do next time but taking things slowly as he wants me to feel comfortable, we are taking baby steps all the way.

This is all still so new how have I gone from being a hard professional woman to mush in a few weeks? and if this was always there why has it suddenly been woken up? 

I have found some great blogs to follow which are so brilliant – I am excited to discover more about myself.

 

No contact from him for three days, I cried into my wine the first two nights, thinking that I had done something wrong or he was like all men got what he wanted then run for the hills.

But its not him I am missing I’m not in love with him I only knew him for a short time.

Its the feeling of giving up my control and letting him take over, I am yearning for it. Not just the sex but being told how good I am for being praised for being good. Now I am wondering if this is the real me that has been hiding all these years behind the control freak that was too scared to let go. He was just a coincidence.

But its agony I am addicted to this feeling, this desire, this need to be dominated, I am consistently restless stalking around the house, not concentrating on anything not getting anything finished.  The only thing that takes the craving away is physical exercise and that’s only for so long. My body is crying out in need , I find myself stamping my feet and it reduces me to tears its so frustrating I want to scream.

Why is this so hard?

 

I am full of energy I run round the block everyday and dance about the house every evening, still remembering what it was like to give up to him and let him take charge.

I go to bed dreaming of letting go and wake up wanting it more. I am addicted to this feeling.

I met him online just chatting really he was nice not pushy and we agreed to met the following weekend. Went for a drink, all non alcoholic and chatted about everyday life, nothing would have given me cause for alarm bells or concern. Afterwards we sat in his car in the rain talking about the gadgets the car had, thats when he asked for a kiss. Some kiss it melted everything I could feel my toes stretch with delight, it was the kind of kiss you dream about soft lingering and passionate I wanted it to last forever.

As happens one thing lead to another and we became intimate with each other, now normally I am a control freak and carry this into the bedroom but not this time. Nothing was discussed or arranged he just gently took charge taking over my body and mind. He told me what position he wanted me in, and kept saying good when I was in it. I let him take over my body and mind and I loved it, not a little but really truly loved it I have never felt so relaxed and turned on in my life.

I spend the next week in secret remembered pleasure texting him and talking online teasing him and planning what else we could do. I love the feeling of wanting him to come and take me over again I so want to please him.